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Thread: Confession Session

  1. #6141
    The Moustache Bandit Nolus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by Nia View Post
    I was gonna defend/explain her behaviour as some sort temporary paranoia (maybe even caused by an inferiority complex or something among those lines because God knows I'm the Queen of that shit so I understand), but since it's been going on for over a year now, it's obviously anything but temporary.
    Has she always been like this? How long have you two been together anyway?

    Eiter way, I agree with everyone else. You should have a serious talk about it, find out why she's behaving this way and what you two can do about it.

    /EDIT:
    Unrelated: Thanks to everyone who told me to keep calm and wait yesterday. Turns out I wasn't imagining things, but almost everything resolved itself today when she invited me home (so I could eat her lasagne).
    She's just really nervous because of that boy she's "targetting" right now. That's why she was invisible in all messengers, including Facebook, for example.
    It didn't have anything to do with me.
    Apparently she didn't catch on to anything (or at least not any more than she already had).
    I'm so, SO relieved.
    I'm glad it's resolved now :)


  2. #6142

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by Noqanky View Post
    Call me old-fashioned, but I find it hard to respect a relationship as stable or loving if it's built on the foundation of "do this or I'm out." Just ... Sounds like the only thing keeping people together when that's the case is fear of being alone.
    I agree with Noqanky, none of those sound healthy at all.

  3. #6143

    Default Re: Confession Session

    I don't think there's any harm in attempting to have a civil conversation about it. If you're truly unhappy with the way things are and see no hope of it changing... you should get out of the relationship.

    I don't condone fear mongering in a relationship. But I do believe that if it looks pretty hopeless, neither party should have to waste their times entertaining something that's obviously not working.

  4. #6144

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Well, if you don't mind my sticking my nose in when I've been absent so long, the truth is we can never control someone else's reactions, thoughts or feelings (and this applies to you too Nia--though I would also add the caveat that you need to be prepared for the potential fallout of any choices you make--and it sounds as though you have thought that out as well. When the pain of keeping silent overwhelms the joy of being together under what for you may turn into false pretenses, so that the cost of staying in the friendship and staying silent is more than the joy you gain from it, then you'll know its time to take action). We can only strive to find our own truth, then act upon what feels like the best thing for ourselves. That means that Noqanky wins a cookie--but letting someone know where you are in your thoughts--what bothers you and what you need (without any strings or expectations) isn't manipulative in the way an ultimatum is, so there is a line in the sand you need to remember not to cross if you decide on having this conversation, xan. While it is perfectly fine for you to express your needs in terms of boundaries, you need to offer the same respect you are asking for back to the person you are speaking to--no matter what you perceive to be their lacks. In other words--No punishing allowed. Only truth and a conscious striving for real honest communication. (Yep--that means you need to tell her how it makes you feel when she does what she does, and how it damages your relationship, if you can find a way to put that into words) Even then it may not work out, but at least you can feel like you did the best you were capable of at the time. Hopefully, what ever happens, you'll grow and come out of it slightly more knowledgable about and compassionate to yourself as well as others. To me that is the best possible outcome of any situation like this.

    OK--sorry again for butting in, and I hope you don't mind my rambling and mumbo jumbo--you are welcome to toss it in File 13 if you so chose. In truth its worth what you paid for it, lol.
    Last edited by I survived the buster call; October 29th, 2012 at 06:41 PM.

  5. #6145

    Default Re: Confession Session

    I guess I'm sorta thinking of this from a different perspective because I'm considering it more casual than serious. The level of relationship definitely plays a factor in actions taken.

  6. #6146

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by Nia View Post
    Turns out I wasn't imagining things, but almost everything resolved itself today when she invited me home (so I could eat her lasagne).
    She's just really nervous because of that boy she's "targetting" right now. That's why she was invisible in all messengers, including Facebook, for example.
    It didn't have anything to do with me.
    Apparently she didn't catch on to anything (or at least not any more than she already had).
    I'm so, SO relieved.
    Good to hear. :D

  7. #6147
    Ttorquaresz Nia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by I survived the buster call View Post
    the truth is we can never control someone else's reactions, thoughts or feelings (and this applies to you too Nia--though I would also add the caveat that you need to be prepared for the potential fallout of any choices you make--and it sounds as though you have thought that out as well. When the pain of keeping silent overwhelms the joy of being together under what for you may turn into false pretenses, so that the cost of staying in the friendship and staying silent is more than the joy you gain from it, then you'll know its time to take action).
    Thanks, mom. ^^
    I'm glad I can at least tell her that I love her over and over again - she just doesn't realize I actually mean it, what with that fake realtionship we have going. That makes keeping silent (or rather "silent") a lot easier.
    Otherwise I probably would have cracked a year ago.

  8. #6148
    Discovered Stowaway piratemarimo's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    first off holy crap it's Buster Call again! :D I can't be the only one who has missed her.

    and an actual confession:
    Spoiler:

    I am aggravated that I have this absurd crush on this guy who is somehow not gay, married, gay and married, or famous. I thought I'd gotten over it, but now it's back in full swing. Yesterday when I was trying to study, he messages me out of nowhere and then I couldn't concentrate for the entire rest of the evening. He's such a dork. I got all worked up and wanted to just punch the walls and run around screaming. I can't tell him anything because we're friends and I only see him when we're with other friends. I'm not good at being social with people, so I doubt long term relationships would work out.


  9. #6149

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by Smudger View Post
    their is no such thing as a perfect relationship, just two people that aren't willing to give up
    Thanks a lot for posting that. I really needed to read that.

  10. #6150

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by cooldud_21 View Post
    Thanks a lot for posting that. I really needed to read that.
    its easy to misconstrue that line, but it really is on the mark. no matter how well you get on with your partner you will always have obstacles in life and even with each others habits or personality traits. not giving up and working on them together is the only thing that will pretty much guarantee any kind of success and increase of bond in any relationship.

    My partner and i are currently thousands of miles apart from each other, and it would be easy just to give up and bow to the pressure of loneliness, but we both don't give up and are currently happier than ever. i was a bit skeptical about this phrase in the beginning, and i guess each person can have their own take of what it means, but through it ive pretty much sussed out the simple one thing in any happy relationship that makes it work, and more so helps improve it.

    don't get me wrong though, we both argue a lot, but each time we learn, we move on and increase both bond and understanding in each other. which over time has made it into something ive never had before. ive had tons of partners but nobody has come close to what u have now. i actually couldn't imagine myself existing without her in my life which although is scary its quite compelling too.

  11. #6151

    Default Re: Confession Session

    I guess this isn't really a true confession, but more what I'm really annoyed at when it comes to particular behaviors. Nothing puts me off more than someone that tries really hard to justify their offenses to someone or a group of people that does take offense. To me that's begging for benefit, and it really does show a lack of compromise or respect. I use to have a bud who I've allowed the benifit of making jokes that would otherwise be offensive to someone else, because hell... I didn't seem to mind as much. Then it got the the point where he would bring this sly behavior up with everyone, including family and newly made acquaintances. I partly blame myself for that since I've allowed him the benefit, but it really got to me when he said that anyone that took offense should just "lighten up". If I could combine those two terms and make it an official word in a dictionary, its definition to me would be "bullshit".

    From there I become less tolerant to this behavior, and eventually after some time he learned his lesson and persisted being a total ass completely. Even better, we both changed a whole lot. What really opened our eyes was this one speech a young individual expressed towards an audience during the annual "Haitian Flag Day". I'm not sure if this is popular knowledge, but there is was a slur that resulted from the incident where Haitians came to Miami's shores(US soil) on boats in order to find better lives for themselves. What's the slur? Haitian students were classified as "boats" from peers in an offensive manner. It sounds silly and harmless on the surface, but it became really deep rooted and there were infact alot that were too afraid to speak up. I felt really bad since I myself thought it was harmless, used it myself and it even became prominent in the household. But after hearing that speech and listening to those that did take serious offense to it, I decided to stop and even convinced my family to persist using the label too. There was simply no excuse or justification behind it at all. Especially in an environment like a school.

    So yeah. I tend to hold this standard to not let anyone have the benefit to be offensive towards me. Even if it's a joke. I'm still learning myself. I know I've said things that were completely out of line, but I to go as far as to say "lighten up"? Screw that! On my planet we grab blunt objects and smash our neighbor's car windows while immaturely dancing to loud music in their yards for fun, and they don't mind us. Do that on Earth and tell them to lighten the hell up? Tolerance would really be intolerance if those poor Earthlings did.

    Short version: If you have friends that tolerate your crap, take it to your damned self-laothing friends.

  12. #6152
    Banned Rank: Failed Mutineer
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    Quote Originally Posted by Hiroy View Post
    I guess this isn't really a true confession, but more what I'm really annoyed at when it comes to particular behaviors. Nothing puts me off more than someone that tries really hard to justify their offenses to someone or a group of people that does take offense.
    I had a horrible experience a couple of nights ago, and the douchebag involved tried to justify his actions by telling us that he was "just a loud and obnoxious guy, that's just who he is". Apparently, if we were offended by what he had done, it was "on us". So now you can justify your shitty behavior by adopting "loud and obnoxious" as your personality? Why not just make it okay by adopting "hateful bigot" as your personality? Oh wait, people already do that.

    I'm sorry, I'm just tired of being told that I'm "overreacting" or that I'm "too sensitive". If they're on the defensive, and they're trying to justify an action that truly offended somebody else, they KNOW they've done something wrong. So just apologize, try to understand why it was wrong, and try not to do it again. Don't be an asshole.

  13. #6153
    is Stolen Silence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    Preach.

    During lunchtime I sit around a table with some friends and one of them I just met: this guy who went to high school with the others.
    Not a bad guy, but he hasn't quite reached that age where you realize just "being offensive" isn't clever or funny.

    My friends are doormats so they let it slide even though it exasperates them. Nooooot me! I feel not one inch of remorse brick walling his sad attempts at "shock humor."
    Rape jokes, pedophelia jokes. Dead baby crap. After being nice and making nice and generally being "nice" about it, I said "if anything's offensive, it's how weak your jokes are."

    When he talked about how "funny" it would be if he dressed up as the Arizona Theater shooter for Halloween and went to the movies,
    I told him straight up what would really be funny is reading about his bullet-ridden corpse over a steaming cup of coffee the next day.
    When he joked about going to Comic Con as a paralyzed Christopher Reeve in a wheelchair, I told him I'd love to see him paralyzed for some stupid shit like that.
    Didn't say it in a mean way; I wasn't rude about it. We all laughed and smiled and continued the conversation. My jabs didn't stop or ruin anyone's day -- but he felt them.

    The guy sorta looked at me... and paused, and I could tell he saw in me someone who he had to be more clever than if he wanted his jokes to get a laugh.
    Tell you what: we don't hear the offensive jokes anymore.
    Quote Originally Posted by Wagomu View Post
    There's a great lighthearted vibe around here, because no matter how serious we might get, we're all together because of some magical pirate.

  14. #6154

    Default Re: Confession Session

    There was an acquaintance of mine back in high school that me and a few other friends knew. He was a black guy, cool kid. You could tell just by looking that he wasn't one for conflict. And up until one day, things were seemingly going fine until I found out something very disturbing. His white "friends" (pure Southerners) only ever addressed him as the n-word. And he played along with it.

    Naturally, I got pissed right away after hearing it the first time. But he tried to urge me that they were just playing around and he was cool with it and... Man, fuck that. It bothered me that I was much more offended than he was, but I wasn't angry at him, not in the least. I was pissed at these assholes that were obviously taking advantage of someone that wants nothing more than peace.

    And I could tell, just by looking at his supposed "friends" that they were all chicken shit and if he wasn't so peace-loving, they'd bend over in a second and continue talking behind backs rather than saying anything at all. Later on, and this is something I'm truly amazed by since when I grew up things were different, a guy from that group pissed off a really good friend of mine by calling him the n-word. I wasn't about to stand for it, had he (my good friend) and his brother not begged me to not do anything, I would have fucking murdered that asshole.

    But his brother, part of the football team, said that he and the football players would handle it. From what I can understand, they just intimidated him. And to be frank, I think he deserves much more than that. But to be honest, I think I kind of respect it in a way. They didn't give into the violence and take the easy way out by just beating the shit out of him. Growing up, that's definitely what me or anyone else would have done. But instead, they just pressured him.

    I suppose I just wasn't at that level of maturity at that age. But it's since been something I've tried to come to understand and practice in life.

  15. #6155
    is Stolen Silence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    I like that resolution. I like it a lot.

    I could tell you stories about the really weird relationship people have with that word nowadays but I like yours, because it seems you really "got" it - they certainly got it - and nobody had to be hurt in the process.
    There're always a lot of dynamics at play when that word comes out. It's a fighting word, so when its use doesn't end in violence but the point of "don't ever use it assholes" gets across it's a good ending as far as I'm concerned.

    --- Update From New Post Merge ---

    Purely (hopefully) co-incidentally, I was linked to this article today:

    FAQ for White People: When Can I Say the "N Word"?
    Quote Originally Posted by Wagomu View Post
    There's a great lighthearted vibe around here, because no matter how serious we might get, we're all together because of some magical pirate.

  16. #6156
    of the Hundred Beasts The Laughing Man's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    I have a weird turn-off when it comes to women: painted nails.

    It may sound weird, but, I kinda-sorta find painted nails repulsive--instead, preferring 'bland nails' over decorated ones. I mean... It's not going to make me stop dating (or loving) the women I date, but, it does turn me off a bit.


  17. #6157
    Banned Rank: Failed Mutineer
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    My friends have told me that I usually come off as angry or unhappy, and that some people think that I'm mad at them when I'm not.

    I mean yes, I'm usually extremely unhappy, but I don't mean for it to show. I'm not usually angry at specific people.
    That's just how my face looks. I guess I could try to smile more often, but then it would just look forced, I feel like.

  18. #6158

    Default Re: Confession Session

    Then you should try to be happy more often.

    Then the smiles wouldn't look forced!

  19. #6159
    is Stolen Silence's Avatar
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    Default Re: Confession Session

    Unassailable Logic: An Arlong Park Story.
    Quote Originally Posted by Wagomu View Post
    There's a great lighthearted vibe around here, because no matter how serious we might get, we're all together because of some magical pirate.

  20. #6160

    Default Re: Confession Session

    I find it weirdly adorable, to an extent, when guys automatically (I assume because it was drilled into them from their parents or something) tone down cursing or racy/gore-y stories when a women gets nearby or enters the room. Like it's not a trait that I find really admirable or bad, I don't really care, but it's kind of cute, I guess in sort of the same way when a parent is blaspheming to the high heavens and cuts themselves off if they notice their kid is nearby, to be a better role model.

    I was hiking with a dude one time, in Montana, and there were some really old animal traps around with skeletons in them. He took a look at them and told me that they were horrible and not to look at them because they were creepy and lmao it was kind of endearing and useless because come on dude who wouldn't look?

    In small amounts. There's only so much off "cover your ears, cover your eyes" I can take, no matter how cute I think you are. XD
    Last edited by lelandlancaster; November 1st, 2012 at 08:37 PM.

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